Tears from teenage girls are the norm. In fact, I think one of my most used phrases with my sixteen year old daughter is “What’s wrong now?” But, the past two weeks have been the Kingda Ka (largest roller coast in US) of emotions. The sudden swoops up and down have been alarming to say the least.
But, spring break is just two days away, and the long awaited trip to study ecology in Costa Rica is upon us. Josie has been looking forward to this adventure for almost 18 months. Getting a job at 14, she worked a minimum wage job she hated for nine months to earn half the fees. The trip brings about many firsts: first time out of the country, first time flying, first time sleeping in a primitive setting. She’s more of a Hilton Suite girl than a cot with a mosquito net sleeper. My husband and I have had many discussions about how she will fare, showering without hot water and sleeping with no air conditioning. God bless her chaperones!
Knowing this opportunity to work with sea turtles on Costa Rica’s beaches would be enriching, we encouraged Josie to embark on an adventure that is way out of her comfort zone, but as a mom I did not anticipate the anxiety boiling under the surface like lava in the Irazu (Costa Rica’s largest volcano).
In the weeks leading up to spring break, her grades have dropped lower than ever before, her mood has been unstable, and every circumstance has seemed like an escalated ordeal. In fact, at Monday’s travel volleyball practice, she was teary over not being able to master the back row dive and roll, a brand new skill she has never tried, on just the third try. She described her attempts with a defeated and weary voice, explaining her long legs just get tangled up. “I’m awkward and uncoordinated. I tried to break down the steps but I couldn’t get my body to do what my mind wanted.” As I listened to her tired voice, I recognized that right now even the small things seemed big.
For years I have preached boundaries. When you’re feeling overwhelmed, disconnect from technology, get more sleep, invest in yourself, pursue activities that bring you joy. All those strategies are helpful, but if I’m honest, way too often, it’s lip service because I am driven to please others. I do not want to risk anyone thinking I’m not all in, but truthfully all the striving makes me so weary.
When she got home from practice at 10:15 p.m. on Monday night, she marched in the living room and announced, “I’m not going to practice Tuesday. I need to be home with my family before I leave for 10 days. I need to eat dinner with you guys and rest. I want to have a movie night and hang out with Isaiah. I need that before I go. I won’t see you for 10 days, and if…” the sentence was left unfinished, but in my mama heart I knew she meant “if something happens to me.” It was an epiphany to recognize the source of so much anxiousness in her spirit.
Yet foolishly I still argued back, “You have to go to practice. You made a commitment to the team.” I suggested she ask the coach for extra time to work on “the roll;” maybe that would help and make her see you’re committed. She remained dug-in: “No! I can’t do extra this week. I have to be committed to what I know I need right now! Don’t you get that, Mom?”
I have tried to instill the life lessons I desperately want her to grasp, so why did it jolt me to watch her implement the lessons I’ve taught? It was a shock because for the first time, I witnessed her being healthier than me. She recognized she needed to recalibrate and get in an environment where she felt safe and comfortable. She needed a reset. She laid down the chains of people-pleasing, and pursued what her soul needed, not what would make her parents and her coach happy. I need to follow suit; maybe I’m the one who needs to learn “the roll,” not volleyball style, but roll with allowing my big to make her own decisions and communicate her needs.
It might seem like a small thing to some, but I was so proud of her for standing up to me and advocating for her own mental and physical needs. Listen to your teenagers. Stop pushing them too hard. Let them disappoint you if it means they are meeting their own needs. Let them fill their cup, even if the coach is mad, even if playing time is lost. How dare I transfer the chains of futile striving onto her lap?
You and Micah have instilled such good values and modeled a good lifestyle for them. I hope Josie has a fruitful trip and comes back with many great memories.